The Christmas Noun IS HERE

Put away all of your beverages, a Class 3 beverage alert has been declared.  My current favorite author is at it again with his annual Christmas Noun story.  As Larry explains this is installment four of the annual short story.

Tis the season for Noun.

 I know the time has come to begin my careful preparation of the Monster Hunter Nation’s annual Christmas Noun Celebration when all the stores begin putting out Christmas decorations, so mid-September. By early November I know it is really time to get writing because all radio stations switch to playing a twenty-four hour loop of the song Favorite Things.

Which is, by the way, the worst Christmas song ever made, especially since it isn’t actually a Christmas song, but everybody plays it this time of year. This song is evil. Just listen to the lyrics, when you are being bitten my vicious dogs or stung by furious swarms of insects it says you should think of snowflakes and crap. That’s terrible advice to be giving impressionable children. I’m surprised there’s not another verse in there that says when you catch on fire, don’t stop, drop, and roll, but rather pause for a moment and think about icicles and peppermint sprinkles.

I think Rodgers and Hammerstein just hated kids and wanted them to stand there stupidly while being stung to death by bees, but that is a topic for another day.

This is the fourth year I’ve prepared a Christmas masterpiece. Inspired by bestselling novels about Christmas Jars, Boxes, Sweaters, Letters, and other assorted nouns, back in 2008 I decided that I needed to write an epic tale of Christmas redemption in order to cash in and make serious bank. Thus the Christmas Noun tradition was born.

In 2008:  Young Tim overcame his hatred of Christmas to battle the Anti-Claus in the Peppermint Thunderdome to save Christmas forever.

Until Christmas was threatened again in 2009 in The Nounening: Stabby the Snowman was stopped by the Global Warming Power of Love and the Christmas Noun, and Tim saved Christmas forever again.

Until 2010, in The Gritty Reboot:  Rudolf and the Reindeer Separatists declare jihad on Christmas, and Julian Assange is slowly devoured by piranha. (there weren’t that many of them and they were already kind of full) Directed by James Cameron in mind blowing 3D. In memory of James Cameron, who was lost in a freak reindeer accident during the filming of Christmas Noun 3D. 

Set aside the time, and go read it.  Laugh hard, and enjoy the season.

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